


Crash // EDEN

by gotobed



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alcohol, Bad Parenting, Depression, Dissociation, Eden - Freeform, Happy Ending, Sad, Songfic, crash, the eboys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23677195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotobed/pseuds/gotobed
Summary: this is set in some kind of alternate universe, bad grammar and lowercase are kinda intended? i wrote this in like an hour whilst crying and then didn't touch it until now so please excuse any spelling mistakes or anything.this is based on alex for the sole reason i wanted to push all my problems onto a character and i already have an imallexx fic so why not yknow.the work is based off of the song 'crash' by EDEN off of his album vertigo
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Crash // EDEN

crash - eden

//it’s been a few years since you’ve been gone

i escaped from that goddamned house three years ago. i didn’t expect to hear from her again. except here we are, a text, completely out of the blue. after four fucking years.

//there’s been a few tears but that was years and years ago

i’m crying. i haven’t processed anything yet, at least definitely not properly. i can feel the tears running down my face and i feel completely hollow, like someone’s blown out my insides and left me the hollow shell of a man.

//yeah i grew up to be exactly what you wanted  
yeah i’ve been living out the dream that you dreamt up

you shattered me, like a pristine glass sheet with a bullet through it. irreparable and irreplaceable. you ruined me and hoped i’d stay that way. and i thought i didn’t. i thought i was happy. but trauma sticks around and my glass will forever be shattered.

//it’s been a few years with more to come

7 years. thats how long i’ve been on youtube and three since i moved out. all to get away from her. but now she’s back, asking to come to george and i’s apartment. 

//it’s been a few years since i’ve been sure of what i want

i knew i wanted to be away from you. and i knew i wanted to continue youtube and i knew i wanted to keep my friends. but im still not sure, im still not sure i actually want to be alive.

//and i woke up today and found that you were waiting here for me

she showed up at my door. i don’t know how she got my address but she did. she showed up to tell me to let her back into my life. not ask, tell. the way she used to do when i was a kid, before she called me useless.

//and i thought, old friend it’s bittersweet

and i’m crying in the shower again. and i don’t know how to stop it but thats just what you expect from me. it’s all or nothing i guess. like my cup of green tea i have in the morning

//how could you do this to me

how can you just introduce yourself back into my life like that? i got rid of you, didn’t reply to anything and made sure i was well gone from you

//cause you are not who you think you are

you’re not perfect. im not perfect, noone is. you portray yourself as some kind of almighty queen who can get away with anything and everything and everyone loves you, like you say they should. but you are not who you think you are.

//there’s no grain on these brown eyes  
but they can be green if they really want

you’re so fake. after four years of peace and quiet from the abuse you decide to show up at my apartment, my safe place. 

//and i can bend your words  
so they can say exactly what hurts the most

i can feel and see myself slipping into old habits; sleeping too much or two little, skipping meals and wishing i was gone. and thats what hurts the most, i was doing fine but you have so much control over my life, you’re back and now i would rather be dead

//but silence is better than fake laughs or faking we’re always up

i wish you’d stop showing up to my apartment. don’t you see i want nothing to do with you? i don’t talk while you’re here, i don’t reply to your texts. i don’t want to know you

//loose grip

i feel like im hanging off a railing. 7 stories up and nothing but concrete at the bottom. my grip is loose and i think i might just, let go.

//the world bends around you

i went out with george tonight. he says i have to get out, being in the apartment is making me fall further into this depression. but now that i’m out and way drunker than i should be i’m realising that it’s not working. the world is twisting every which way but all i can think about is how scared of you i am.

//living through cracked screens

you keep texting me and calling me. begging me for forgiveness. i’ve started replying because it means you show up to my apartment less. i wish you’d stop though. i threw my phone at the wall so you’d shut up. but you just came and talked to me

//we fold down to what we want

george doesn’t know what to do anymore. he keeps suggesting we move but i don’t want to until our rent is up. he keeps telling me to stay over at will or james’ but i feel like thats unfair on them. i just wish you weren’t such a shitty person and i wish i wasn’t me.

//out of love  
we talk through lines

i hate you, and i want to tell you that in our texts. i’m just glad you’ve stopped showing up to my apartment, but i know that as soon as i miss a text you’ll show up. once again. to tell me how useless i am

//we’re made of smoke  
and just in time, we drift away

i’ve started smoking again, and not just tobacco. i don’t even enjoy the taste, but they’ll kill me faster, and that’s all i want. to be gone.

//diffusing lights, confusing times

we’re in a club, and it’s not just me and george, james and will are here. and i love the distraction but i hate when my phone buzzes. it won’t buzz anymore, i dropped it and it won’t turn on. and i know you’re gonna show up tomorrow because i’m not replying to your texts but i don’t care right now. i think i might just drink myself to death.

//growing up or cascading down?  
cascading down  
im hurting now

i figured out as i got sober, life just sucks when you get older. or maybe it’s the other way round. i don’t care. but you pounded on my door at 7 in the morning. i was hungover and didn’t want to get up to answer. 890 seconds, thats how long it took for a neighbour to come out and tell you to piss off. and i wish you’d never come back

//but change comes slow

you didn’t learn, you were back a few hours later, knocking on the door. george answered and you didn’t know what to do. you talked to him nicely, i wish you’d do that to me. ever. but you’re not a good person and you show your true colours with me i guess

//if you hate whats in your head, the fuck would you speak your mind

i hate you, so so much. but i hate me more. you made me like this but you despise my existence, and i do too. i wish you never existed so i never did too. but i could never tell you that. i could never tell you anything

//just 21 so i’m young and i’m stupid. only 16 yeah i think you should’ve known  
i think you fucked me up

i was out, i’d made the decision at 16 and then i’d planned and i’d gotten out. and everything was successful until now. you fucked me up. and i want to tell you that.

//and i’ve got nothing to say to you

that’s what i told you today. i told you i hated you and i never wanted to see you again. i’m staying over at james’ until we’re sure you’re not coming back. because i hate you and i want nothing to do with you.

//it’s been a few years and i moved on

two more years and i’ve only heard from you a couple times. a cheque for a new phone and another one for the hospital bill after i downed a whole bottle of sleeping pills with a half bottle of vodka. 

//couldn’t make it disappear, i tried so hard to be strong

i blocked your number and changed my last name. i’m cutting all ties. everything is so hard but it’s easier without you in my life.

//but i grew up today and faced i’m not just lonely

i’ve learnt to lean on my friends more. you were never there for me so i was always flying solo. i didn’t trust anyone for a long time because i thought they’d turn out like you. but not everyone is like you.

//don’t feel much better but it’s a start

i still don’t always want to be here but my glass is replaced with plastic. it’s scratched not shattered and you won’t get through it. a facade to you, the public, everyone, except those close to me. they get to see it all. trauma stays but im more resilient. no more shattering whenever i hear your name, or see someone that looks anything like you. i’m finally healing. i can finally be back into myself again.

**Author's Note:**

> and everything crashes down


End file.
